Framily – A Family Made of Friends; Not Blood Lines

Framily = (Fr)iends + F(amily)

For many of us who are survivors of childhood trauma, we gradually learn that we must rely more on our good friends than on our families. I grew up being told that blood runs thicker than water, but this is simply not true. Although it may be true that in some individual’s experience their parent, sibling, or child is the most meaningful relationship in their life; this is not the case for everyone.

It took me a long time to accept that the love that one is taught to expect to find through their mother and father is something that I would have to find elsewhere. Part of the problem is that I lived in the land of “should have” and it created in me a deep sense of bitterness, resentment, and injustice. Rather than accepting the dysfunctional family I had and coming to terms with that reality, I focused on the family I felt I deserved and was somehow being denied – the one I should have. This was a sure path towards disillusionment and depression, but I didn’t realize it at the time.

Accepting that my good friends would be my family was the first step towards feeling less alone in the world. But the next step was harder – identifying which friends I could count on to see me through tough times. Most friends are not cut out to fill the role of framily because they are either unable or unwilling. Friends with healthy family relationships have a harder time understanding the pain, fear, and sense of injustice associated with growing up in an abusive and dysfunctional family. And even if they want to help, because they have not suffered as much, they do not have a highly adept sense of empathy or compassion, and thus cannot truly help you in the way that you need them to.

When identifying which friends will be in your framily try to pick friends who have gone through similar experiences or have a high degree of emotional intelligence. Look for friends who are slightly senior to you and more mature because they have already processed many of the emotions and turmoil that you are experiencing and they can help you learn through their own experiences. I have a couple of friends who have acted as great mentors to me. Both of them are women who are about five years older than me. They went through much the same experience that I am currently going through and can relate on a deeper level than any other friends or professionals that I have spoken with. They are also both very successful and strong women and knowing that they have had similar experiences and thoughts gives me strength and hope because I know that I can get better just like them. Once you are more mature and wiser, add younger friends who you can mentor and share your experience with in order to help them triumph over their sense of despair and depression.

Picking framily over family doesn’t mean that you won’t have any contact or some form of a relationship with your family – it just means that when you’re in crises or in need, you know that you must turn to your framily. Many people choose to maintain an artificial relationship with their family out of a sense of duty, sense of tradition, love, compassion, etc, and that is a choice for each individual. We should not judge a person who decides to maintain some sort of relationship with their relatives – even if it is inauthentic. And by the same token, we should not judge a person who decides to cut all ties with any and all relatives. However, if you observe that a good friend is suffering because of their family relationships or lack thereof then in the right moment, it can be helpful to gently point out that this may be a source of pain for them and remind them that they have a choice – they have free will and a right to find joy. But don’t go further than pointing out that this may be the case – each person is responsible for her or his self and sometimes all we can really do for our good friends at the end of the day is give them a big hug.