Tao Te Ching - Chapter 74 – Acceptance

Chapter 74 from the Tao Te Ching. New English Version, with Foreword and Notes, by Stephen Mitchell. Click here for a free online copy of the Tao Te Ching.

If you realize that all things change,
there is nothing to hold on to.
If you aren’t afraid of dying,
there is nothing you can’t achieve.

Trying to control the future
is like trying to take the master carpenter’s place.
When you handle the carpenter’s tools,
chances are that you’ll cut your hand.

Take a couple of minutes and read over this passage. What comes to mind? What emotions are evoked? What images do you see? What concepts resonate? For this exercise, it’s best to write down your reaction, or make an audio or video recording of your reaction.

For me, many images are evoked. I think of the ocean, the awesome power of nature, the expansiveness of the universe and time, the relative smallness of my own life, and the notion of a supreme being. I question truth and reality and I wonder what, if anything, is certain in life. Acceptance of fear is acceptance of uncertainty and change.

We do not want to live a life of fear. Fear numbs us and paralyses us – it makes us dissociate from our lives and live a frightened and depressed existence. One of my favorite quotes – maybe my very favorite quote ever is this:

Una Vida de Miedo es Media Vida – A Life of Fear is Half a Life.

Write this down somewhere and tape it up where you will see it every day.

I have found that my trauma and corresponding fear of powerlessness has resulted in me acting on fear or acting against it. Some ways are healthy for me, but other ways are not. Below is a partial list of ways that I act on fear and ways that I react against fear.

Ways that I act on fear

• Intense distrust and suspicion of other people
• Paranoia
• Seeking solitude
• Fear of Sex
• Negative Perception of others
• Being extremely selfish and self-protectionist by always putting my needs first as a matter of principal
• Fear of dying
• Fear of going outside
• Fear of close relationships
• Over-reacting when criticized (overly sensitive)
• Lacking confidence

Ways that I act against fear

• Controlling my time and more specifically what I do with it and how I spend. This is because I feel like time is the only thing that we really have on this earth and we don’t have much of it, so why waste it? Why waste it on other people because other people will ultimately only hurt you or disappoint you?
• Fascination with Power
• Fascination with the power of appearances and the role of marketing in society
• Keen interest in the power of expression and the importance of fluency with language to truly express oneself and protect oneself
• The power of voice and tone
• Realizing that weak does not mean good
• Power can be good, but power can be uncomfortable
• Fascination with group power dynamics and who makes the decisions and how they position themselves to be able to get the outcome that they want

As I mentioned before, some of these ways are good for me in the long run because they help me become more powerful and able to protect myself in healthy ways.

I have come to realize that in my worst states of depression, anxiety, and paranoia, the root of all my pain is in the feelings of powerlessness and fear that overcome me. I have come to realize that when I am in a severely depressed state that it is fear that is running my life. Fear of re-experiencing the sense of complete powerlessness that I suffered as a child…fear of being unable to protect myself by either fleeing or fighting my way out of it. Ironically, now in my adulthood, it is fear of fear itself that is paralyzing me, since the memories of my childhood invade my consciousness without my control and create in me a deep sense of panic, anxiety, fear, and pain.

The sensation of reliving one of these memories is like dipping below the surface of reality. Suddenly, the room disappears and my adult body and mind turn to icy statues as I sink into the panicked and lonely mind of my childhood self. The “Now” is suspended and my senses of smell, touch, taste, sight and sound explode with their own perspectives-making the memory all that more real and vivid. It’s unlike any typical memory and feels more like a strange and terrible time travel phenomenon that anything else.

I have realized through my treatment that I no longer need be afraid of a terrible memory – of being afraid of re-experiencing fear. There is no actual threat – just the memory of feeling fear…or the thought that I could feel fear like that again. I hope that if you who are reading this suffer from these sorts of memories that you too can find a way to accept fear and realize that by accepting it you are destroying its hold on you.

The point is that it is our fear that is our greatest limitation – make “No Fear” be your and my new motto! 

Note: See the link below to purchase a copy of the Tao Te Ching as translated by Stephen Mitchell.

 

Good and Bad Ways to Process Emotions

Emotions need to be processed, but there are good ways and there are bad ways to do this. One of the problems of being a survivor of childhood trauma or having grown up in a dysfunctional family is that you become afraid of expressing emotions because you don’t want to become like your parents. I find myself afraid to feel anything because I attribute my parents’ violent and uncontrolled outbursts with them feeling their emotions. My parents are not spiritual people and they refuse to give their emotions much credence; this leads to them numbing themselves with intermittent bursts of brutality. I also find it difficult to feel my emotions because I have a habit of disassociating or numbing myself – something I have done ever since I can remember as a defense mechanism. Disassociation, as any licensed professional psychologist or spiritual guide will tell you, is terrible for you. Emotions need to find a way out and if you don’t provide a healthy outlet they can erupt and hurt someone or you can numb yourself so badly that the people who care and love you will be hurt by your negative presence.

I’ve come to realize that repressing emotions is extremely unhealthy. Depression is stuck energy and it’s usually anger or sadness. We need to find healthy ways to express our anger, sadness, rage, fear, or sense of helplessness. I recommend making a list with two columns where you contrast the BAD ways that you, your parents, or people you know have expressed their emotions (or failed to) with the GOOD ways that exist to process emotions.

Here is my list in case you need some inspiration:

BAD

• My Dad slapping me when he’s angry or upset.
• My Dad destroying furniture around our house.
• My Dad swearing and using very hurtful language.
• My Dad drinking himself into a stupor and doing or saying stupid things.
• My Dad driving drunk and denying it.
• My Dad punching me.
• My Mom hitting me manically with her hands, broom, shoes, or whatever was readily available because she was upset about some random, stupid thing and she was so sad and angry that she didn’t know what to do, so she just lashed out at a small, defenseless child.
• Escaping to TV for hours and hours.
• My Mother blaming me for her missed opportunities
• Breaking a gift that my Dad gave me because I was really mad at him.
• Causing myself physical pain out of anger (hitting, cutting).
• Parents trivializing my pain, anger, and fear, and making me feel stupid – because acknowledging my feeling would make them feel ashamed – it was easier to take their pain out on a child than be strong.
• Being passive aggressive.
• Misdirecting anger towards other people.
• Isolating oneself.
• Avoidance – avoiding certain things to such an extent that it massively changes you life.

GOOD

• Running, swimming, biking or doing some sort of physical activity by yourself to let out your emotions and let them run their course.
• Screaming or crying to a pillow.
• Screaming or crying in a sound-proof room (lots of University campuses have sound-proof music rooms that you can check out for a couple of hours-usually to practice singing or an instrument-if anyone asks any questions just say you're going for the Guinness world record for screaming).
• Writing freely in a journal or diary that you keep well hidden. Sometimes, I find that it helps to write in the 3rd person about truly horrific experiences.
• Buy a beautiful wooden box with a lock on it. Whenever you have a bad memory or thought – write it up and put it in the box. Every once in a while, honor those memories by taking them out and reading them.
• Video journaling is a very powerful way to allow yourself to recognize your own pain. You can’t lie to yourself, so doing this can be particularly helpful in breaking the cycle of numbness or disassociation you are feeling. The first few times you might find that you just sit there staring into the camera unable to speak. But give it time – the emotions will be released and you will be awakened to a new perspective of yourself. Video journaling is a great way to open up a greater sense of compassion for yourself – particularly if you’re the type of person who has great compassion for other people, but not for yourself.
• Listen to guided imagery. Guided imagery is a sort of guided meditation that uses symbolism to help you process emotions. This can be very effective for some people. Particularly people who are exhausted, weary, tired, and down-trodden.
• Listen to affirmations. Affirmations are positive statements that are intended for repeated listening to change the thoughts you produce.
• Do Yoga.
• Do meditation.
• Pray (to Gaia, Buddha, God, Elvis, Allah, or whatever you want).
• Create your own guided imagery tapes.
• Practice mindfulness or consciousness where you let feeling or emotions flow through you. Sometimes it helps to prepare the space around you – play some mood music, light some candles, dim the lights, and pick a time of day when nobody is home and no neighbors are snooping around.
• Remind yourself that sometimes your parents said cruel things that were really abrasive thoughts due to their own problems, rather than some true insight into you.
• Remind yourself again and again that: YOU ARE NOT YOUR PARENTS!
• Read self-improvement books.
• Read your own best journal entries.
• Write and read about your good memories (think Tinkerbell – if you just think happy thoughts…you’ll be able to fly!) =)
• Paint, draw, do art. Even if you’re not artistic, I find that it can be really help to create abstract art. Particularly with gummy pastels or paint because it’s a physically exerting experience and can help you churn out a lot of negative feelings.  Who knows-you might eventually be discovered!
• Sing songs or listen to songs that resonate with your negative emotions – maybe they’re sad or angry songs
• Sing songs or listen to songs to get you out of a negative state and into a more joyous emotional state (songs that remind you of good times or whose lyrics inspire you).
• I you are really, really angry – a good way to cool off is to take a freezing cold shower. This can actually be kind of painful, but by the time your heart is racing and your blood gets going – it can really help you process extreme anger. You should stay in the shower until you get pretty cold, but don’t be silly and get hypothermia. I usually turn on the warm water after I’ve let the rage run its course and I’m thinking more calmly. It’s almost the equivalent of going for an intense run, but it’s easier because you can do it from the privacy of your home. If you don’t have annoying neighbors and you’re alone at home – it can also help to yell or scream in the shower. The sound of the water will make it easier. If you’re still embarrassed – try playing loud music too.
• Write out letters that you’re not going to send to the people you’re angry at and express your full anger. It’s best to do this by hand and not while you’re drunk, so that you don’t accidentally e-mail it in a fit of rage.
• Write down your fears then write out counterarguments to them or statements expressing your acceptance for the fears that you cannot change. It’s particularly useful to make audio recordings of both the negative concern and positive rebuttle. It’s best to make the audio recording when you feel strong and to speak in a strong voice, so that when you listen to them later, they’re more impactful.